Parents, Start Your Engines

Parents, Start Your Engines!

Seize the opportunity! To succeed, young adolescents need adults, parents, teachers, significant others who communicate with them about their needs, progress, and achievements. While communication is a two-way street, parents should take the initiative to meet teachers, counselors, and principals. Here are some helpful tips for letting your son's or daughter's school know that you want to be involved.

Don't wait for the first official function of the school year to introduce yourself. Generally, the back-to-school open house is held in the first six weeks of school, but that is too late. Take a few minutes to stop by the school to introduce yourself to the principal and your child's teacher(s), perhaps in late summer or in the first week or two of school. A short visit is best just to introduce yourself and say hello. Give the teacher(s) your name, phone number, and e-mail address, and encourage them to contact you at any time. Also, find out the same information from them and the best time to contact them --- after school, during their planning period, or at home.
If your son or daughter is part of a team, and they should be in middle school, find out more. How many students and teachers are on the team? Who is the team leader and what are his or her functions? Is there a preferred communication path for you to follow --- telephone, e-mail, personal meetings? Does the team produce a regular newsletter? Is information available about the team, their expectations, and homework on a Web site or a school telephone hotline?
Stay in regular contact via e-mail or by stopping by the school at a time when teachers are not in class. While you may not have any concerns, teachers always appreciate parents who are attentive to their students' needs. Should a problem or issue arise, this familiarity makes future contacts easier.
Offer to help chaperone a field trip, school dance, or participate in an activity where another adult would be helpful. While your work schedule may not permit a lot of time for you to volunteer in school, there are many things that can be done to assist teachers outside of school. Help write a newsletter or secure materials for an upcoming unit.

Parents Ask

Question: My daughter plays on her school's soccer team with practices every day after school, takes piano lessons, and has a babysitting job to earn spending money. I am concerned that every minute of her day is scheduled. How much free time should young adolescents have?

Answer: Although it is important for your daughter to be able to develop her interests, it is equally critical for her to have some "down" time in her week. Students with no leisure time have no time to reflect on experiences and no opportunities to create their own pastimes. Perhaps you can help her limit her babysitting job to fewer hours or encourage the school to adopt a less intensive soccer schedule.

Moving From Elementary to Middle School Can Be a Smooth Experience for Students, Parents

Prepared by National Middle School Association

Whether middle schools start in the sixth or seventh grade in your community, moving from an elementary to middle level school can be an especially trying time for parents and students alike. While the elementary setting is comparatively secure with a single teacher, basically the same classmates all day, and only one classroom, middle school brings changes. These changes are likely to result in greater learning opportunities-both academically and developmentally-but they are changes, and that can confuse 11 and 12 year-olds.

Among the beneficial changes students and parents will find are:

Different teachers for different subjects, meaning that mathematics will be taught by a teacher who is particularly trained and experienced in math, science by a science specialist, etc. Students are likely to receive more activity-oriented instruction in the several subjects.

Most middle schools have adapted some form of team approach in which a group of students stays together for their core subjects-English, mathematics, science and social studies under the direction of two, three, or four teachers. These teachers have their planning time together during which they discuss the best ways to meet the learning and developmental needs of the young adolescents on their team.

Expanded opportunities to participate in student activities and enrichment and exploratory programs. While the major goal of middle schools is to provide high quality academic programs, they offer many more learning opportunities appropriate for students this age who now have increased interest and curiosity. Students have the chance to learn to work together by participating in band, student council, after-school clubs, or sports programs. Developing the skills necessary to be part of a team will help prepare them for today's workplace. Exploratory options allow students to find areas, such as music, that interest them and can become lifelong avocations.

While there is much excitement attached to ways middle schools can expand a student's learning opportunities, there are also questions that come into a young adolescent's mind. Here is where parents can play a big role. Questions that students frequently ask as they approach this transition period include:

What will it be like going to school with older kids?
Will I be able to find my locker and remember the combination to my lock?
Will I have enough time to get to my next class between periods?
Will I remember what my schedule is?
Will I get lost in this much larger school?
Can I handle all the increased homework and projects?

Here are some tips parents can consider now and during the summer to help make the transition smoother for their young adolescent:

Share with students your own experiences when you went to middle school or junior high school. Talk about the things you enjoyed that made school more interesting, including your fears and how you overcame them.
Find a parent who has a child at your middle school or call the middle school and ask for the name and number of the PTA office. Call that person and discuss concerns you may have as a parent. If you are uncomfortable with the transition, your child will sense that concern. Make sure you understand everything you can about the new school and project a positive attitude.
Most schools host a day when incoming students can visit the middle school, see the lockers, try using the combination locks, and learn about the academic programs and other offerings. If such a program is not available, call the school and see if you can arrange a visit with your child during the summer and obtain copies of the schedule and other pieces of student information to review with your child over the summer.
Once you know your child's schedule, see if there is an opportunity to go to the school and "walk the route" of the schedule.
Make sure your child can use a combination lock. Practice at home.
Spend time during the summer giving your child manageable tasks that will help him or her develop the organizational skills to complete homework and other assignments in an orderly manner.
Toward the end of the summer, discuss with your child how his or her time will need to be organized to complete work. Develop a homework and project log or poster so your child can keep track of when assignments are due and when they are completed. The school may require every student to have and maintain what has come to be called "an agenda" in which assignments and related notes are recorded.
See if there is a middle level student in your neighbor who could talk about the new school with your child and encourage such discussions. Invite that older child to your home for pizza.
Encourage your young adolescent to try new things and to regard failure as a necessary part of learning and growing. Point out mistakes that you have made and how you have grown from them.

The middle school helps meet young adolescents' need to develop social skills, to strengthen communication skills, and to gain advanced knowledge in the basic subjects. With an understanding of the "whys" and "whats" of middle school, the transition should and can be a positive adventure.

Five Ways to Help Your Young Adolescent Be Successful in Middle School

Plan now for the year. Don't wait for things to go wrong. The first weeks are the honeymoon period of every new school year when good intentions are uppermost with students, parents, and teachers. This is the time to talk honestly with your young adolescent about what worked last year: studying after school and not after supper; eating breakfast; keeping an assignment notebook. Talk about what did not work: staying up too late on school nights; procrastinating on long-term projects; trying to play on the school team and a recreation league team in the same season.
Know what your young adolescent is doing by talking to him everyday. Don't grill him, but find a time when you can sit down and really talk about his day. Many families still make it a priority to sit down for dinner most nights where they can talk about the events of the day in a calm and unhurried manner. If dinnertime doesn't work for your family, perhaps a short walk in the evening or a time before bed when you can connect and talk about what is important.
Stay in touch with the school. Middle level schools are generally organized by teams, often with a designated team leader, so the team should be your contact. Other schools have advisory programs and the advisor is the person to talk to. In either case, know your child's teachers and stay in contact. Some schools allow you to phone in to hear about the school and assignments; other schools have Web sites with lots of information about the school. It doesn't take long to stay in touch so you know what is going on.
Encourage your young adolescent to become an active citizen this year. Have your child practice doing for others. Visiting a special senior citizen; helping with community clean-up; or becoming an advocate for recycling, literacy, or kindness to animals will help your young adolescent be an involved member of society and maintain that balance between caring for others and attending to her own needs.
Remember that middle school is a time for students to explore new opportunities. Doing well on tests and learning are critical, of course, but students are also learning a great deal about themselves. So, think carefully about what being successful really means. Is it more than receiving all As? Is it learning to be a self-starter? Is it learning to follow through on commitments?

Creating A Positive, Comfortable Home-Life

The first tip is thinking ahead... One of our best tools as parents is being prepared. As your son or daughter gets to the middle school years, get ready for at least occasional conflicts. Think through what is truly important to you. Is the youngster's hairstyle as important as homework? Isn't curfew more of a concern than crabbiness? Obviously, dawdling is a lot easier to accept than drugs. As these give-and-take situations start, know ahead of time what areas you are willing to negotiate and what areas are absolutes.

Break down big chores into small parts. Sometimes young people feel overwhelmed by tasks, especially those they've let go for a long time. A disastrous bedroom, twenty-three overdue math assignments, a long-term project that's "suddenly" due in a few days (or hours!);all of these cause the preadolescent to choose to give up rather than get started.

Help your child by setting up smaller goals: clean off your bed; get five assignments done tonight; assemble the materials for the project. Preadolescents have trouble structuring tasks so that they are more approachable. In an even and off-hand way, we can help them in this.

Encourage your middle schooler to keep a daily list (weekly is too much) with a few things on it to be done that day. It may be necessary to assign a specific time to each task. When the task is completed, draw a line through it to show accomplishment.

Don't hesitate to remind your middle schooler about appointments and due dates. Try to think ahead about materials required for a project (unless you look forward to late-evening visits to K-Mart). This will not last forever. When this same child was learning to walk, we held his or her hands and made the path smooth. Now he or she is learning to take on a tremendous assortment of life-tasks and changes; hand-holding (but not the firm, physical grip previously necessary) is needed for about a year or so as your middle schooler gets started on the road to being a responsible adult.

Be willing to listen ã but don't poke or pry. Kids this age value independence and often seem secretive. Keeping to themselves is part of the separateness they are trying to create. Let them know you'd love to help them, but don't push them into a defensive position.

If your child is in the midst of a longtime friendship that is falling apart, the best thing you can do is stand by and be a good listener. It is devastating for us to see our children hurting, but taking sides or intervening is not appropriate, nor will it help. Preadolescents do survive these hurts, especially if they know we are there to listen to their pain.

Friends are people who accept us as we are. They listen, they don't needlessly criticize, they back us up when we're right and pick us up when we're down. Be a friend to your middle schooler; some days kids feel you're the only one they have.

All friendships have ups and downs. Children need to learn that being "best friends" isn't always smooth sailing. People have differences of opinion and even get angry, but they still care for each other. This is what's going on when we get involved in those "I-hate-her-she-is-so-stuck-up-and-how-could-she-do-this-to-me" conversations. As parents we must help our kids see that one problem doesn't ruin a relationship, but stubbornness might. Middle schoolers have a lot of spats and falling outs, but often the friends are back together again in a short time.

When reprimanding, deal only with the precise problem, don't bring in other issues. "The trash is still here, and I want it out, now," is better than, "You are so lazy! I told you to take that trash out two hours ago and it's still here! You'd live in a pigsty, wouldn't you? Well, you aren't the only one in this house, you know..."

If the issue is minor, keep things light. The shoes on the floor, the wet towel on the bed, the carton left open; these are maddening, perhaps, but not earth-shattering. Call attention to them in a humorous way, so your middle-schooler knows you want action but you aren't being punitive. "Either the cat's smarter than I thought or you left the milk carton open on the counter. One of you please put it back before it spoils."

Don't use power unless it's urgent. Parents have the ultimate power, and kids know it. We don't have to "prove" it to them at every turn. Save your strength for those really important issues you've decided are non-negotiable. Eventually kids are going to possess power of their own, and we want them to be able to use it wisely.